As long as your hotel doesn't become a black hole while you're staying in it, you're probably okay...

Just wanted to say, the Sept. 11 gig you played in Adelaide was fantastic!

Although the fly almost stole the show... :-D

If you thought channel 9 news intro was epic, here is the channel 9 cricket intro that we had for many years in Aus...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38AYT1azU7c&feature=related

Want totally bonkers? Try this remix from 1998

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tOas68D33k

Haha, yeh heard bout that one. First hand!! Sorry i know its slightly unrelated in response to this blog but u didnt write anything bout it yet so... THANKS FOR COMING TO ADELAIDE YOU WERE UBER FAB. It was quite surprising to see you in real life, I'm not sure why it should seem obvious you exist outside of media but for the first half i had to shape my hands into a square and pretend to be viewing you through a TV until i could acclimatise to the reality.
How was our performance, as an audience? We need all the constructive criticism we can get because too often we get stage fright from the fact someone is actually performing to us, that they've come to adelaide. A cultural phenomenon it seems. Keep up the good work! (PS love you on never mind the buzzcocks too, its weird noel fielding standing in for you, even though I love him.)

Hi Bill

We have sent you a card to the fan club address in which we enclose a picture of the local sealed knot society doing some kind of re-enactment thingy.......there's a close up shot of you with a musket...we thought you were in Australia??

Look out for it amongst the hoards of stuff you must receive.

We love ya! Please play Plymouth Pavillions soon!

Hey Bill
Thank you for such a great show tonight 13 Sept in Canberra. I didnt know anything about you before I saw the show, and I have never laughed so much! Your show has something for everyone - all baby boomers, generation X & Y's. Hope we were a top audience. Cheers and I owe you an Aussie beer!!

Thanks for your great show in Canberra - clever and hilarious :)

I still can't find the Ghandi statue you were talking about.. maybe it was stolen by those "youths"??! (don't despair.. most people here do actually call them "hoodies")

I hope you plan to release official bootleg versions of your Australian shows - I'd love to relive last weekend's show.

Thanks again and good luck with your other shows.

--wanders off to join a swiss bank..

Dearest Billy

Tonight I am going to your 1st Sydney show and also your last Sydney show. So can you make sure you tell different jokes each night. Well I say different....

Saw you in Sydney last night and my face still hurts from laughing so hard! Thanks for a great show and coming "down" to see us. Hope u enjoy the rest of the tour!

Hi Bill, after your Sydney gig Mon Sept 15, where you discovered the sawing noise was guys digging up the road, we found out it was because of a sewerage problem (toilets at Town Hall station were out of order)! Needless to say it was a long train ride home with legs crossed after a fantastic show. Thanks!

Hi Bill,

For 7 years my boyfriend and I have bemoaned the fact that we missed you in Melbourne, and yet, here you are, the end result of a dream and where are we... Alice Springs. The irony is not wasted!
We have friends going so we will live vicariously through them (all the while hating them for seeing you! haha) and waiting for the DVD. Will their be a tea and coffee making facilities down under special?

Hope you enjoyed Australia, the central australian desert is great, Jimeoin is here in October - we're officially on the map! :D

Love
Amy

do you think the hotel metamorphosis could have been caused by the lhc? the whole 'butterfly flaps its wings and application for change of use is granted' type thing?

Hi Bill, thanks for coming to Canberra - you were a welcome moment of sanity amidst the bureaucratic madness. Please come again!

I tracked down the GHANDI statue story - apparently it was installed by the VISHNU SIVA MANDIR society, a Hindu society here in Canberra. I understand that they installed it in 2002 in the hope that politicians and bureaurocrats might be inspired to reflect on some of Ghandi's philosophies and perhaps even let those philosophies influence their work. Sadly, I am not aware of any resultant shift in philosophy or behaviour... but given the times - a non violent approach might be just what the planet needs! Perhaps they should have installed one in Washington DC - I hear 1600 Pen Ave has a big garden! Cheers, Nina

The Sydney Morning Herald has a review today of your show. It has possibly the most bizarre combinations of adjectives I have ever seen together. Enjoy!

Greetings to the Southern Hemisphere.

I just saw you out and about in the streets of Sydney. What luck! I couldn't manage to say anything though except smile stupidly at you though.

I just wanted to let you know, seeing you has made my week. I hope you have an awesome time here.

Looking forward to your show.

Did you happen to pick up a copy of this week's Drum Media? You probably don't bother reading about yourself, but I hope the story came out okay. Very kind of you to have given me some of your late night time for the interview.

Oh - do you remember when we were talking about psytrance (and you asked if it was a blend of science and trance)? Some friends are launching a psytrance album in Sydney on Saturday night. You should come along. Great crowd, excellent music. It's what all the funky hippies dance to.

AMAZING show tonight, as always! Just clarifying for you that "Trent From Punchbowl" is a classic aussie Youtube post....He's basically a meth head that was paid $20 for an interview...I've added the link, now I know you don't like swearing but you'll maybe have to grin and bear it!
Again thanks for making my day

Friday 19 September. The bogons,yobboo's, hoodies, westies and lads all had a really nice night.
Thanks for the glittering lights on the ladies,(my level for sure) Did you play and upside down chord in the finale? And are you in favour of the augmented 4th or diminished 5th.
Personally I prefer the law of diminishing chords.

Gaz

Brilliant new show. I love the audience participation. I saw your 19th of September show. I was part of the 'Friday' audience. Front row!!!

After the gig, I shook your hand and touched your hair. Thanks for letting me do that.

Cheers, and congratulations on becoming a father. As in having a child... not becoming a priest...

Christopher

Hey Bill!

The guy who said it was too loud.....How did you hear him if it was too loud?

Dear Mr Bill Bailey.

I would like to congratulate you for a 1st class show last night at Qpac Concert hall, Brisbane. I have been a fan of yours for very long time. i have all the cds and dvds that you put out. so last night was a great honour. to see you live. Please come back again soon. have a safe trip for the rest of your travels.

p.s. you would play a excellent dwarf in the hobbit.

Saw the show in Brisbane last night and it was the funniest show I've seen... ever... by anyone. Thanks for a fantastic performance, my son and I are still laughing about it.

Hello Bill!
I saw your first show in Brisbane it was absolutely fantastic. I'll never be able to watch the start of any news, especially the ABC, without laughing again.

Have a great time in Australia!Hope our tea and coffee making facilities(and trouser pressers)are up to standards.

Helllllo Mr Bailey!

Thank you so much for the laughs tinsel worm brought the crew! Not sure what it had to do with tinsel worms other than what Canberra threw on the stage compared to Brisbane - best (and only) tinsel worm I've ever seen, the fabled fiction creature that it is. I'm so glad we got to meet you after the show! Possibly made you happy to get away from the crazy lady who's son is the biggest fan (it wasn't him, it is me) who wanted you to sign a black DVD case in a black pen over Tamsin's face... WEIRDO!!

I have attached the URL for a photo of your kind self with myself and said crew for your viewing pleasure in case your computer doesn't double as a mirror and add 5 crazy's about your person (so long as you are on "facebook"). I like your manager in the back-ground of this photo - he is a patient champion by the way.

Anyway, I am off to train for the pimpolympics! Audios, bretheren of the strange but inteligent!

I hope you get the joke in that last sentence.

Peace out,
Kia

Saw the 15/09 Sydney show, absolute gold! Your Killers 'I've got a soul but I'm not a soldier' piece has spawned a bit of a meme on Facebook, best ones so far:

- I've got mange, but I'm not a manger
- I've got a cape, but I'm not capable
- I've got a dick, but I'm not Dickensian
- I've got an apple, bu-... actually never mind, that one's not really applicable

If The Killers ever tour here they're going to get mighty confused...

G'day Bill!

Laughter is the best medicine....
my cold disappeared (well it didn't bother me once)
but there are 2 side effects sore cheeks and split lips from smiling and laughing non stop!

Trust me on the 24th.... you were not over rated !!!!

in your quest to understand the origin of the bogan..the man not the moth...i have attached a link to a clip as the origin is unknown but they came into there own in the 80's/90's! As Poida demonstrates....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpS31FJO8_o&feature=related

and then there is the song... typical tall poppy syndrome...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA8gJoT5yl4

but back in the 80's Ipswich had BEVANS, who were loud and proud ( victimising teens that didn't want to wear flannel and listen to chisel... we just wanted to be individuals...and dress like all the other goths!!!)

thank you for making the world a happier place!

Hey, Bill. Thanks for the brilliance in Brisbane! I loved your piece on UBS and the 'Friends' theme song bit. You're the kook-king of comedy.

For your information, please refer to the following links regarding the word "bogan", about which there was some confusion at Bill's recent Brisbane gig (24/09/08).

http://www.usefilm.com/image/1018207.html

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bogan

Hi Bill,

Top show @ Q-PAC!

FYI: More info regarding BOGANS...
http://www.abc.net.au/rn/linguafranca/stories/2008/2325921.htm

Cheers,
Member of paying audience.

Hey Bill, just saw your show in Melbourne, absolutely fantastic!

A sincere thanks from one of your Frankstonian fans.

Absolutely fantastic Melbourne show last night. Also, found this from the Tasmanian Times...

The word "bogan" is believed to have originated in the late 1980's in Melbourne. The term has always had close ties to the working class, and the original intent and purpose of the word remains up until this day. It is believed by some (but not actually verified) that the word may have ties to the Bogan River district of Western NSW.

Hope that helps ;)

Hi Bill, Saw your show last night and thought it was fabulous. I shouted my father a ticket to see for his 70th birthday and he thought you were very clever and a talented musician. And that is something!! We have been waiting for you to come to Australia again and it was well worth the wait. Well done and don't forget to come back again soon. BTW I am not a bogan from Frankston. :-). In Brisbane they call them Bevan's.

I was @ the 27/11/08 gig in Melbourne. I've been a fan for years, but this my fiance's first dip into the world of BB... She loved it! Shame I left buying tickets for a couple of the days, we ended up in the nose bleed section. Next time I'll get in early!

A few more soul - soldier lines:

I've got toes but I'm not a toaster
I've got boils but I'm not a boiler
I've got tracks, but I'm not a tractor
I've got sails, but I'm not a sailor
I've got docks, but I'm not a doctor
I've got suits, but I'm not a suitor
I've got real, but I'm not a realtor
I've got boxes, but I'm not a boxer
I've got rap but I'm not a raptor
I've got bills, but I'm not a builder
I've got lays, but I'm not a laser
I've got bans, but I'm not a banker
I've got a leash, but I'm not Alesha

and my favourite way to end the song:
I've gone strange but I'm not a stranger

PLAY SOME PROKOFIEV!!!!

Oh, and remember: Bogans come from Franga.

Awesome show. :)

Thanks for last night's final show of the tour, in Melbourne. It was terrific. Have a safe trip back to the UK.

PS The etymology of "bogan" is unknown.

Hi, just wanted to say that I have watched you on black books and the DVDs I have of your other stand-up shows and they are all fantastic, but Tinselworm (Melbourne, 27th) was the first time I have seen you live. It was BRILLIANT! You are a brilliant comedian, and an outstanding musician. Thanks for doing what you do and please keep coming down to Australia.

P.S: I think the work you do for animal welfare is great.

I saw you in Melbourne on the 27th and I know I looked like a total berk they way I was cackling because you seemed to look at me funny, but I had tears in my eyes - brilliant, brilliant show.

Please don't leave it so long before you come back!

Bill,

If Australia ever turns into a 14th Century absolute monarchy, and I become queen, I would love for you to be a jester in my court.

Your Sunday night performance at Hamer Hall was fantastic. I hope you don't mind particularly, but I discussed your joke about Hurricane Katrina and the Friends themesong in a uni essay...something about how I believe you weave Hurricane Katrina into a narrative of Bush's history of political disaster, making it a nostalgic representation of his idiocy by using a theme song from a popular show of the recent past...you inspire mad analysis!!!

Citing you was a nightmare; I wasn't sure how to place 'inbetween-the-mange-and-the-Queen-Elizabeth-with-a-pez-dispenser-head-bit' into the Harvard System of referencing. Any ideas?

I've been a bit slow to come in here and post this, but Brisbane - awesome!!!!!! My face didn't recover for days. It was more than just funny, there was something really wonderful about seeing you in person, Bill, especially since the whole crowd was so charged up. So many bits are still floating through my mind... tattoos, twirling ribbons, split psyches, jazz vader and no worries of any kind, except about the margins for error on the black holes. Please come back again, I promised my son I'd take him next time. (Being but 6, I wasn't sure he'd cope with the length of the show, the noise or the late night. I hope he will forgive me one day, the Slayer parody is one of his favourites.)

Three men walk into a pub.

Just as the first one reaches the bar, another door opens and in walks the comedian Bill Bailey, with the entire population of the world.

The first man looks across at Bill and says "I'm sorry mate. I'm a poor man and I'm in the wrong joke'"

Bailey says "You say a joke, but it's more like a sort of meta-joke, or, if not quite a meta-joke, a Dada-esque sketch with just a hint of the theatre of the absurd... I tell you what, I've done rather well out of you three over the years," and before he can stop himself he says "...the first drink is on me."

Dear Bill,

I just want to thank you for the wonderful night of entertainment at Hamer Hall (Melbourne) on September the 27th (Grand Final Day, no less...). I really do hope that you fulfill the ABC executives' wishes and film your wonderful seventies performance dance piece, inspired by the dramatic tones of the ABC News themetune, for them. It would go down very well at board meetings!

Hey all. I need to swap my Wednesday tickets for "Bill Bailey's Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra" for Thursday or Friday. Any takers?

Bloody family birthdays!

Bill you legend!

My parents have got me tickets to see you on the 15th as a birthday present for my 20th. So excited, I can't wait!

Best birthday present EVER!

All the best,
Generic Fan #328974784

Late comment I know, but I was at the incredible Brisbane show (24/09/08).

I will never look at the "overrated" Taj Mahal or listen to our aussie national news themes the same way again (every time I watch channel 9 news now, I have a quiet chuckle). If only those classic moments could be preserved on DVD with the rest of the show :)

Please come back to the merry old land of Aus anytime.

P.S. The kite flies beautifully

Bill Bailey! You are sorely missed on NMTB. I hope you saw Phill and Simon's No Air tribute to you... it was quite beautiful. Please come tour in the states! You've got a fan or two over here on the east coast :)

I am teaching The Merchant's Tale to my Y13's (18 year olds), at St.Ivo School in Cambridge. Somehow we ended up discussing you today in conjunction with 'January' and the 'Merchant'. My class say it would be 'really cool' if we could meet you, Bill. How about coming into school for a 'lesson' in Chaucerian English? Seriuosly, give me call to arrange it. I've seen your Part Troll gig at Cambridge Corn Exchange - you were great. Does that help? Am I being to creepy? My kids have your DVD's. Shall i go away now? Please come into school, I would be voted the coolest teacher ever. Kim

Hi Bill

great shows as ever...

A mate of mine said that you had some links to roleplaying - tabletop dice rolling stuff as opposed to smashing peeps heads in with latex swords

true or false

u may not wann answer of course due to supposed geek label

just wondered if this myth has some fact attached....

Seen a few of your shows, never live unfortunately. Hoping for an early christmas present so I can go see you in London. Either that or I'll have to find a quick-cash situation. Or find a way to make you come to Sweden. :/ Chances that Bill Gates or Donald Trump, or even Queen Elizabeth will donate the money to me are bigger than you coming to Sweden anytime soon, I reckon. We'll see...
as an aspiring stand-up comedian it's interesting and educational to see others perform. The problem is... I can't joke in swedish because, well, it's just not funny! I'm babbling now. Take care!